Showing posts with label silliness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label silliness. Show all posts

Friday, December 14, 2012

Craftitis

Craftitis is a malady that makes it hard to:
  • separate beer quality from corporate structure
  • appreciate the qualities of things not meeting the patient's definition of real beer
  • believe that large corporations are not actually malevolent forces focused on global domination
  • consider the possibility that fewer hops is sometimes better
  • understand that the only test of 'good beer' is how it tastes

Causes, incidence and risk factors

Craftitis is a complex malady. Experts are not sure what causes it. However, some experts believe genes may play a role.

Craftitis is extremely contagious, patients often have friends and family who are likewise afflicted.

Craftitis affects both men and women, usually beginning in the mid 20s. Women as a rule are less likely to be affected by Craftitis.

Symptoms

Craftitis symptoms usually develop slowly over a long period of time, usually months or even years. The number of symptoms varies from patient to patient.

People with Craftitis can show many of the symptoms listed below, or only a few symptoms.

Early symptoms:
  • Heightened sense of taste
  • Enthusiasm for new beer
  • Sudden interest in photography and note taking

As the illness progresses, patients often begin a course of self-medication, which involves the procuring and use of 'craft beer' in a domestic setting. Self-medication of Craftitis also involves excessive reading and interest in agriculture, botany and biochemisty.

In the latter stages of Craftitis, the patient may have problems with thinking, emotions and behaviour, including:
  • a near paranoid belief that large brewing corporations are intent on harming the patient, or their loved ones - usually 'loved ones' is interpreted as 'small and independent'
  • a loss of sense of humour and the inability to appreciate irony
  • an inability to accept that corporate structure has no bearing on the taste of a beer
  • describing a new beer experience as 'awesome' or 'out of this world' (see delusions for more details)
  • patient may be prone to crying after several drinks (a symptom shared with the disease Craftyitis)
  • Tourette's like exclamations in public settings about the perceived qualities, or otherwise, of a beer currently being drunk
  • the ability to taste passion (some experts believe this to be a misinterpretation of Diacetyl)
Signs and Tests

There is no medical test to diagnose Craftitis, diagnosis is achieved by interviewing the patient, as well as the patient's friends and family.

Treatment

During an episode of Craftitis the patient should stay in the pub for safety reasons.

MEDICATIONS

There is no known medication for Craftitis.

SUPPORT PROGRAMS

Craftitis patients are encouraged to engage in social situations, preferably in establishments such as Public Houses, with patients of the related malady Craftyitis. Note though that some experts believe Craftyitis to be a purely psychosomatic imitation of Craftitis, as such, patients showing symptoms of Craftyitis might have Craftitis without realising it.

Expectations (Prognosis)

The outlook for Craftitis is hard predict. Many patients seem to find relief from their symptoms simply by getting older.

Craftitis patients often lead normal lives in terms of work, housing and other social actitivies, though experience Craftitis episodes when in a 'Craft Beer Bar' or similar location.

Complications

Having Craftitis increases the patient's risk for:
  • Poverty - spending excessive amounts of money on limited releases of beers, trips to beer festivals, once in a lifetime six packs with promotional glassware
Prevention

There is no known way to prevent Craftitis.

Always talk to your barman first if you are considering trying a new beer style or brand - this also unwittingly opens the door to Craftyitis.

References

Craft is Daft, Dr Velky Al, Fuggled Publishing, February 2011

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Season of Incongruity

The nights are drawing in, the leaves on the trees are turning their various shades of yellow, orange and brown, finally the fierce heat of summer is a distant memory and it rains pretty much every day, the delights of Autumn are here.

Hang on a minute! When I stand on my deck and survey the trees in my garden the leaves are still green, when I go for my lunchtime walk it is about 90°F, or 32°C for my metric friends, rain is something of a rarity at the moment. Autumn most definitely has not arrived, but in the minds of retailers it has.


Already this year's iteration of Samuel Adams Octoberfest is in the shops, as are innumerable pumpkin ale abominations (I am yet to have a pumpkin ale that didn't taste like wet cardboard). This despite the fact that according to the dictionary, Autumn runs from the September Equinox to the Winter Solstice in December, which means this year's Autumn is from September 22nd to December 21st. As such all these seasonals being  sold in the shops are at least 2 months ahead of the season they are intended to be enjoyed in, never mind the incongruity of drinking an Octoberfest in August (there might be a clue in the name, I am not sure).

This being out of step with the seasons is something I have noticed more this year than in previous years. Especially galling for me was loving Samuel Adams' Spring seasonal, Alpine Spring, and not being able to get it after March, just as Spring began.

I am not sure who is to blame for this silliness, whether it is pressure from the retailers for constantly changing product, the distributors for putting stuff in the market before it is due or the brewers for not having a calendar. Whoever is responsible for this needs to buck their ideas up, stop treating customers like impatient idiots and let us enjoy our beers in their rightful seasons.

I stole the picture above from my friend Hunter's Facebook account, he is also the president a new brewery coming to Charlottesville in the near future.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Pub Induced Blogitis

I wonder how many of you were expecting to see a picture of Devils Backbone's Morana Dark Lager, which went on sale yesterday, accompanied by my waxing lyrical about the colour, texture, taste and all round wonderfulness of the beer? Well, yes I was kind of expecting that myself but then the thing that I love most about beer kicked into gear last night. Drinking the stuff, with mates and having a damned fine time.

If it were possible to get air miles for the distances a conversation goes, we would be well stocked after last night, having jaunted from CVille to Fredericksburg, Ukraine, Czech Republic, Belarus, Philadelphia, the UK and many points beyond and between. Sat with the Backbone's head brewer Jason, Mrs Velkyal, my Pocket Pub Guide collaborator Mark, and Dan, formerly of CVille Beer Geek - the company was as excellent as the brew.

Sure it doesn't make for fascinatingly insightful blog posts, but it is what beer is actually all about. Drinking with mates in the pub. Oh and the beer is good, seriously good, I have 2 growlers in the fridge, so you'll get your pictures and lyrical waxings at some point. I know this advert is for whiskey rather than beer, but it sums up pretty well how I feel about the pub.

Old Friends: Joseph's Brau PLZNR

I have to admit that there really are not that many things that I miss as a result of this pandemic. I am sure that comes as something of a ...

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